Under the surface

The night is long and endless and despite the eternal light up here in the north, its dark and it is lonely for me. At first it is easier to shake of the pain carefully crawling towards me from every corner of the room. But it won’t leave and it won’t go until it gets its way, until it takes me over. And I don’t want to let go and I can’t give up, but the tons of misery are weighing heavy on my heart and it’s only a miracle that it still remains in its place under all that weight.

The hours pass and there is nowhere to hide. No comfort, no safe haven to run to. As I desperately try to hold on to anything good and positive, reminding myself that the sun is always up there in the sky no matter how cloudy it seems to be at the moment. Taking deeper breaths is not enough as every next one seems like the last. Too smart, too brave, too strong and too MAN to ask for help. And who would be the doctor of my soul? Who can feel my misery and understand that nameless sorrow and that numb pulsating bleeding pain of mine? If only I could silence that aching heart -rip it out and place it somewhere warm and cosy …

And the night becomes morning and the morning becomes day. The body is finally tired and the rushing thoughts are silenced as I fall towards long awaited sleep. This is the getaway giving me peace and rest. So, I try to stay this way as long as I can, forcing myself back to sleep each time I wake up and hear the world outside my window. 

When I finally do wake up, my body is reloaded and my mind has only vague memories of the endless night, but I feel emotional and weak. I don’t feel pity for myself, there is no point. So, I don’t cry over myself anymore. But tears come easily those days after the storm as I watch the videos of people doing beautiful things or suffer pain or forgive each other. At first its heavy in the back of my throat and I remind myself that I am a strong man and men are not supposed to cry. Then the sticking becomes stronger and my chest starts to expand… And the first tears sneak out from the corner of my eyes and the pressure starts to give in. So, that’s what it takes? I look at people coming over themselves, fighting their fears and being honest to each other. And I let myself cry…I let my body to release and let go and I become lighter again. I cry until I start to smile through the tears and see myself again.

I don’t want to escape anymore and I don’t want to rip out my heart. I want to be here and now again. I want to be part of this all and I want to feel the happiness and the pain because I am alive and I allow myself to be human. 

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